“The gap that exists between where you are now and where you’re headed can feel antsy and excruciating. The best you can do is be in it. “
Feeling Antsy in the Gap
Hello, Gorgeous Soul.
Gah, gorgeous souls.
There were several topics today that were fighting to be shared.
I want to talk about the feeling of ANGER. How to change your relationship with it so it stops shutting you down, in yourself AND in others.
How to have hard conversations is another episode that’s in line waiting for its turn to speak.
And there’s the one about boundaries as an empath and also how to move from energy manager to energy master. I might do this one on my YouTube channel.
But this morning when I was journaling about the same damn thing I’ve been journaling about for EVER, I gave myself a little pep talk.
I gave myself permission to stop trying to figure out how to get OUT of the discomfort I’ve been feeling.
Because for the last few months, maybe longer, it feels like I’ve got this ITCH that I just can’t scratch.
You know when you have that DEEP itch and you’re pretty sure it’s in the middle of your back, so you ask someone to scratch it, but then realize it’s not there. That it’s somehow so DEEP inside of you that you couldn’t even reach it if you tried? Like it’s not even under your skin, it’s like INSIDE the BONE?
That is the feeling of discomfort I’m noticing.
Like a low level unsettled feeling. Antsy.
A none of the things that usually work are working feeling.
A nothing feels like it fits feeling.
And that’s where my journaling took me today.
I feel like I’m in between sizes.
Like none of the clothes I have right now fit.
But I keep going shopping and NOTHING in a different size fits either.
I’ve got NO clothes so I HAVE to go shopping, but every day I leave empty handed because somehow NOTHING works.
How can this be? And what the fuck do you do with THIS? How do you cure antsy?
The answer seems to be “It’s impossible. If nothing fits, then there’s nothing I can do about it.”
And that’s really where the TRUE discomfort lies.
Yes in the fact that nothing fits, that’s frustrating enough. But now my brain is telling me “And there is no answer here. You will be without clothes forever.”
Brains LOVE a good impossible story. They love to indulge it because the truth is, our brains can only imagine things that they’ve experienced before.
Your brain can come up with LOTS of ideas, but in the end, it’s limited to things it’s familiar with.
UNLESS you intentionally start looking outside the box and seeing that whatever is meant for you is brand new.
What’s next isn’t just another pair of jeans in a different size, it’s something you’ve never worn before.
This isn’t a different size happening, this is a metamorphosis.
A caterpillar doesn’t get in its little cocoon and then grow wings.
That’s what I always thought, but that is NOT what happens.
A caterpillar is born.
It lives its whole little caterpillar life thinking it knows what to expect.
I’m this insect with lots of legs and I just walk around eating leaves.
Nothing unusual here.
Until one day the caterpillar is like, something is different.
Nothing feels right.
I don’t feel like eating leaves for some reason.
I don’t feel like wandering around looking for a mate today.
This feels weird.
Nothing makes sense.
Why do I feel like I need to STOP everything I’ve ever done and hang upside down here? That’s weird.
Then it spins this silk cocoon and scooches it’s way inside.
Now. This is where I thought it just grows it’s little wings, but that’s not what happens.
The caterpillar inside of the cocoon releases these enzymes and DIGESTS itself.
The caterpillar DISSOLVES into liquid.
If you were to cut open a cocoon before the metamorphosis was complete, it wouldn’t look like a caterpillar OR a butterfly. It would be goo.
There’s a GAP between caterpillar and butterfly. There’s a period of time when it’s not the caterpillar anymore but it’s also not the butterfly yet.
It’s the in between.
The MESSY gooey gap between what was and what is becoming.
THIS is where I am right now AND my hunch is a lot of you are feeling the same way.
You’re in between who you were and who you’re becoming and everything feels unfamiliar and confusing.
Why doesn’t anything feel right anymore? Why don’t the things I used to do bring me comfort or relief?
Why does it feel like I’ve dissolved into goo and what’s going to happen next? Right? The caterpillar doesn’t KNOW it’s going to become a butterfly. It thinks it’s going to be a caterpillar forever until something inside of it instinctually knows it’s time to transform.
And here’s the cool thing.
Before ANY of this happens, before the caterpillar is even born, it develops these cells that will BECOME the wings, the antenna, the butterfly body.
But these cells don’t do anything until it’s time for the metamorphosis.
When the caterpillar digests itself, it digests EVERYTHING except these imaginal cells AND certain parts of the brain like smell and memory.
So even though the caterpillar didn’t KNOW, logically, it was going to become a butterfly, all of the parts were ALWAYS there.
Waiting for the right time.
Right now, if you are feeling this unsettled, unfamiliar, nothing feels right feeling, MAYBE you are just in between who you have been and who you’re becoming.
And even though your logical brain can’t understand what’s happening, can’t come up with the ideas of what this looks like because it’s never BEEN this before…your SOUL knows.
Who you are becoming has always been there, inside of you, under the stories of who you thought you were SUPPOSED to be.
Until something inside you says it’s time.
And sometimes you know why. Sometimes something happens, something reminds you about how short and precious this lifetime is. And sometimes it’s just a feeling.
It’s time to go hang upside down and let the TRUE and AUTHENTIC version of myself emerge.
And here’s what you’re gonna want to remember, and I guess what I really needed to remember: STOP TRYING TO FIGURE IT OUT. Stop making the goo part a problem. Stop thinking you need to know what’s coming.
This is where we simply have to TRUST that the metamorphosis is in progress. The old is dissolved and the new is emerging. It’s not your job to KNOW or try to CONTROL what the new is…it’s your job to TRUST the feelings.
You wouldn’t look at a cocoon and be like “OMG figure your shit out. Grow your wings, what is TAKING you so long?”
Transformation doesn’t happen faster the more you THINK or the harder you TRY.
You’re just gonna have to FEEL your way through it.
Still feel uncomfortable? Yup.
Your wings still aren’t ready?
Let yourself BE in the messy middle.
Trusting that it feels messy because you are in the goo, you’re between sizes, you’re not who you were but you’re not who you’re becoming. You’re not a girl, not yet a woman as Queen Britney reminds us.
This is just another example of why learning how to FEEL our feelings instead of escape or shut down or FIX our feelings matters SO much.
Here’s some ways to add comfort to the discomfort during the messy gooey middle.
LESS thinking, more FEELING.
LESS pushing, more allowing.
Less doing, more resting.
Less trying, more surrendering.
And listen. Just know that this is EXACTLY what I’m trying to do right now.
I am there, in between, in the gap.
I am ANTSY AF right now. Almost all the time.
Nothing fits. Nothing feels right. I KNOW I’m going to come out of this cocoon and be like DAMN that was worth it, but UGH I wish it was happening faster.
I’m TIRED of the goo. I’m TIRED of the in between. And I keep poking my head out being like “THIS?? Will THIS scratch the itch?”
So I’m with you surrendering to the antsiness.
Surrendering to the crankiness that I’m here.
I wish there was a thing I could tell you to make it feel better, but here’s what’s helping me.
The fact that it feels like SO many of us are in this space right now, the in between gives me a little bit of comfort. Right? At least we’re all feeling annoyed AF.
But also what that tells me is that this NEXT version isn’t JUST my transformation. There’s some bigger shift happening. I actually have felt this since 2015 and it really feels like it’s peaking universally….at least the people in my energy space, so you. Let’s get weird for a minute, ok? but I think we’re supposed to be doing this together. This transformation, this goo part, this life.
I believe this is why the last couple of years I’ve been pulled so strongly back to gathering people together to do this work. In my groups, in Rewired and Calm, it’s like I’m watching people’s stories about how they have to do everything on their own and do it perfectly dissolve, and those dormant cells, the ones who remember that we’re worthy and we’re not us vs them, are emerging.
But the world outside the cocoon isn’t reflective of the change that’s happening inside the cocoon yet, so it feels uncomfortable. All right, gorgeous soul, have an amazing rest of your week.
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