Hello, Gorgeous Soul.
Let’s talk about other people today!!
People are problematic, aren’t they?
All of these humans you’re around having their own experiences, having their opinions, coming into your good mood and RUINING it with their bad mood.
Today I’m going to give you FOUR strategies to stop letting other people’s moods take you down.
I will FREELY admit to you all that this skill of not letting other people’s moods dictate MY mood is a skill that I am still working on.
Being a coach has helped me develop my skills a LOT. I am actually fantastic at holding space for my clients without taking on their stories or their moods because of the skills I’m going to teach you today.
BUT. With my family? Not taking on their moods or their emotions as my own is something I actively work on. Meaning…it’s NOT hardwired.
I’m GOOD at it. Not great.
My husband is the BEST human AND his emotions go from 0-60 in 3 seconds.
He can go from fine to enraged at the world faster than anyone I know.
I also live with 2 teenagers so….
I am VERY familiar that I wouldn’t call this skill easy.
To be fair, I’m 100% certain my family would say the same about me.
We are ALL humans here, having our own human experiences, having our own THOUGHTS about what people SHOULD do and what they shouldn’t, what the world SHOULD be and what it shouldn’t.
This is NOT a podcast episode on how to not have the full spectrum of moods.
It’s about learning how to stop letting other people’s moods dictate YOUR mood.
Because something that I hear ALL the time is this:
Kristen, I’m working on myself. Learning to rewire, learning self worth, learning self love, but then my tricking HUSBAND walks in in a bad mood and it’s RUINED.
I’m trying to keep my energy clean and then my kid has a tantrum and ALL my work goes down the toilet.
I’m working on focusing on ME, but my friend really needed a shoulder to cry on and that took everything out of me.
You MIGHT identify as an empath or a highly sensitive person.
So empathy is the ability to understand other people’s feelings…it’s the ability to step into someone else’s shoes to see why they might feel the way they do.
An EMPATH actually feels other people’s feelings. So if someone is upset, you take on their feeling as your own.
When we first moved to Colorado, I could feel a different energy. Here comes my urge to say “This might sound weird, but”.
So when we first got here and I would go out and about in the community…the grocery store, restaurants, I was like “There is some dark emotion here”. It’s so interesting because there is a very high vibe feeling overall…people are outside a lot, it’s always sunny here, the mountains are super grounding….so there’s a very positive energy but there’s 9also this VERY dark sadness. I don’t think it’s a coincidence that within 15 miles of where we moved some of the worst tragedies in America have occurred.
Listen if any of you listening are from Colorado, especially the Littleton area and you are like “Yeah totally”….please email me. I’ve been dying to talk to someone from here who understands.
Anyway. I would describe myself as an empath in that I can not only sense and understand other people’s emotions and energy, I also absorb it quite easily and it can become MY emotion and energy.
Here’s what I want to tell you If this sounds familiar.
Being an empath, being very sensitive is a SUPERPOWER. Ok? But without energetic boundaries and some mindset strategies, it does NOT feel like a superpower.
It feels draining.
So many empaths that I’ve talked to tell me “I can’t help it. I’m an empath.”
Don’t do this to yourself. Don’t use this amazing quality as a reason why you can’t feel better. I’d LOVE to feel better, but my husband is such a downer. I’d LOVE to be happier but everyone always shares their stories with me and I’m such a good listener.
Ok that was a teensy rant because I’m tired of seeing people make their empathy mean they are powerless.
No matter who you are you can take CONTROL over your own emotions no matter what the people around you are feeling.
You can be sensitive AND not let other people’s moods take you down.
So let’s talk about how:
My first tool I call “Yours not mine”
The purpose of Yours not mine is to take your power back.
It’s to SEPARATE yourself from the other person, to zoom out and see….is this feeling YOURS or is it MINE?
Is this feeling MINE created by MY thoughts?
Or is this feeling YOURS and I’m picking UP on it.
Some people think it’s hard to know, but truly you just need to zoom out and ask yourself “If this person wasn’t in front of me or with me….would I be feeling THIS emotion?”
This is where the “I was in a GREAT mood and then HE walked in in a bad mood and ruined it”.
No, he didn’t.
You just took his mood and made it a problem for yourself.
You’ve GOT to stop taking other people’s moods PERSONALLY.
EVEN IF the person is mad because of you, disappointed in you, huffing around slamming cabinet doors because of something YOU did….you are STILL not in control of their feelings.
I often use the metaphor of bags of shit. This might sound a little crude but it’s the best metaphor.
We’re all walking around with our own bags of shit. From our childhoods, from trauma, from our thinking.
If you haven’t learned that feelings aren’t for FIXING and you believe that as long as everyone ELSE is ok, YOU can be ok…you are going to run around taking everyone else’s bags and carrying them for them.
“Oh you’re sad? Let me take this from you. I need YOU to not be sad, so I don’t have to be sad.”
“Oh you’re angry? Give me that bag. Don’t you see how STUPID it is for you to be angry about this stupid thing?? I need you to NOT be angry so I don’t have to be angry.”
“Yours not mine” is simply tuning into the awareness of THIS bag of shit is YOURS, not mine.
This is YOUR feeling, not mine.
This isn’t for me to fix….it’s for you to FEEL.
Fixing your mood is NOT in my control.
My feelings come from MY thoughts.
Your feelings come from YOUR thoughts.
I was feeling fine and now I’m feeling not fine because I’m thinking about YOUR feelings.
And you can just hand it back.
“Here. This is YOUR bag of shit, not mine.”
The next strategy that I teach is the PINK bubble.
Yours doesn’t have to be pink.
You can pick any color.
This tool is to help you create energetic boundaries around yourself.
It strengthens your ability to stay curious instead of powerless when other people’s feelings, words or moods are in your space.
So just imagine if you spread your arms up in a V position. And around you is a bubble.
This is your energy space.
The walls of the bubble aren’t CONCRETE or STEEL….they are flexible and penetrable. But YOU are in charge of what comes in.
The reason why I love this is because you are intentionally slowing down the energy around you.
Sometimes it feels overwhelming like other people’s words and feelings are just being HURLED at you and it kind of gives you that whiplash feeling of “What just happened?”
You’ve just got to bubble up. And when anything comes to the door of your bubble, you get curious instead of letting it overtake you.
You can put your bouncer at the door of the bubble. EVERYTHING has to go through the bouncer and the bouncer is your HIGHEST WORTHIEST self.
I talk about this in Episode 90 so go back and listen to that episode for a deeper dive into using your bouncer as you’re learning energetic boundaries.
The LAST tip is to KNOW YOUR LIMITS and give yourself permission to TAP OUT.
Listen. I’m not sure I’ve EVER seen a time in the world, at least not the last almost 45 years where the energy of the world has been THIS volatile.
I have my thoughts on ALL of it….how being extreme on either side is DEFINITLEY not helping us heal SHIT.
When you are sensitive to other people’s feelings and emotions, you need to practice EXTRA self care.
And in today’s world, I am telling you to take freaking BREAKS from being plugged in.
If you’re mentally exhausted, if you’ve been around a lot of people, if the emotions are intense, it is totally ok to tap out.
Pandemic. Vaccine. Democrat. Republican.
People love to talk about toxins these days….stop willingly putting toxic energy in your space.
You can completely hold whatever opinion you want….
But every time you engage with the vitriol on EITHER side, you are ANTAGONIZING your nervous system.
It is NOT easier to handle other people’s moods when you are RILING your nervous system up all the time.
I have a client who I told to stop reading the comments section of ANYTHING because the people who came on with opposing beliefs were riling her up.
And then she was telling me about this podcast that she listens to where the host has on guests that mostly align with her beliefs but THIS riles her up TOO.
You want your life and your relationships and your body and your home and all the things to feel better?
STOP PUTTING YOURSELF IN THESE SITUATIONS.
This is the OPPOSITE of self love.
This is NOT healthy.
Hate and rage is inflammatory, yall. If you wouldn’t put toxic chemicals in your body, stop allowing toxic ENERGY in.
Your healthy food is NO match for toxic energy. Your oils and yoga and Peloton and CBD are NOT going to be effective if your mind and energy space is FILLED with toxic words.
If you want to stop feeling powerless to your PARTNER’S moods or your kids emotions, you’ve GOT to have boundaries about what you’ll allow in your energy space.
There you go.
I’m about to be diving deep into this I call it the Calm AF diet with my group in the next week or two.
This round of Rewired AF…we are about 3 weeks in and these humans…I’m in love. I want YOU in the next round with me.
Go to kristenfinch.com/rewiredAF to get on the waitlist for the next round. We’ll be opening enrollment in December and starting in January.
Alright, Gorgeous Souls. Go practice this week’s strategies. You are NOT a victim to other people’s moods IF you practice not being a victim to other people’s moods. You have the strategies. Go use them.
Love you so much.