Hello, Gorgeous Soul.
I was recently on a business trip to Cabo and when I was on the plane ride home, I was thinking about everything, as I tend to do when I fly. I’m kind of obsessed with flying. As soon as we’re wheels up and I start to see the world from above. It’s kind of like the ultimate zoom out, right? I was high above the mountains and the ocean and then when we got close to Denver I was looking at the tops of the mountains I see every day. I don’t know that perspective of how amazing it is to even be alive always really gets me when I travel. Because we really are, ya know? The chances of you being born a human are like 1 in a million bazillion. That might not be the exact number but it’s basically a miracle.
To be alive as a human is a gift. We have the capacity to evolve within our own lives because of our human brains.
But let’s be really real. To be a human is incredibly difficult. Because of these human brains.
I often say; the smarter the human brain, the harder it gets. I should know. I am literally surrounded by amazingly smart humans. My husband. My kids. My friends. My clients. All are incredibly smart. So, so, smart. They have always relied on their brains and have usually been rewarded for their brains.
And so, it makes sense that they start trusting their brains for everything. Every single decision needs to be run through their brain’s decision-making protocol and then run through again. And just one more time for good measure.
Here’s the problem.
The brain is inherently designed to find problems, to look for danger. It was designed that way to protect you from actual physical danger, but in today’s world, most of us are trying desperately to protect ourselves from psychological danger: other people judging us, failing, being rejected. And because of the emotional danger: the feelings that come from other people judging us, failing, being rejected.
And so instead of making decisions or doing something quickly to create change, you think. Think. Think.
The overthinking, people pleasing, perfectionism, overachieving are thought patterns that are creating the anxiety.
And that anxiety is costing you a ton.
And that’s what I want to talk to you about.
Because the longer you put off learning how to calm the fuck down, the more it costs you.
Now. Am I talking about actual money? Sure.
There’s lots of ways anxiety is costing you money. By not asking your work to pay you what you’re worth, because you are overthinking what they will think of you for asking. By spending money as a numbing out behavior. How much have you spent on things; material things, as an attempt to help you calm down, only to realize they are very temporary fixes. You go to get the massage or whatever, and it’s amazing, and then you pull your car into the driveway and it’s like “shit…it’s all still here.”
I remember one time I was talking to someone on a consult call once and she was telling me how anxious she was about the family vacation they had coming up. Her and her husband were not in a good place. She was absolutely overwhelmed by how hard family vacations were. So, I told her I could help her. And she wanted it so bad, but she decided not to invest. You know why? That money would take away from her family vacation.
I was like wait, do you see what you’re saying. Do you like spending money on overwhelming vacations? She gave me the “it’s for the kids” excuse which I also called bullshit on. Fast forward, we ended up working together and she sent me pictures a year later of her amazing family vacation.
So sure. Anxiety is costing you money. But that’s just one small piece.
Anxiety is costing you relationships. I don’t necessarily mean we lose relationships because of anxiety or overthinking. Although that can happen, what I’m talking about is the quality of your relationships. Think about the amount of time you spend thinking about who you need to be for certain people. I have a client who is genius at flitting around and fitting in; knowing who she needs to be depending on who she’s with. And in lots of ways, it’s worked really well for her. She is the #1 best in her field because she knows what people will respond to, and in turn, give her all their money for good causes. But in personal relationships, overthinking and trying to be who everyone needs her to be, has exhausted her. She has realized the connection.
Ok listen. You cannot be in your head and be in the moment. You cannot be in your head and be fully present. If you are sitting with a person, trying to have a conversation, but all you can think about is what they’re thinking about you, or what you’re wearing, or what you’re eating, or how you look, or what you’re saying, you are not connected. You are not present.
When my kids were babies, I would sit on the floor with them, playing, going through the motions, but thinking about whether or not my stomach had rolls when I sat down. Spoiler alert: they all do. Or I’d be thinking about how I could lose more weight or what I should eat. When my kids were babies I spent precious time, that I could be present with my kids, time I can’t get back, being there physically, but not being connected to the moments.
I’m not saying that we’re supposed to be present every single moment. I just want you to consider how overthinking, or people pleasing, or anxiety is costing you connection with the people you love.
Time: Speaking of time. OMG this might be where overthinking is costing you the most. I want you to think about how much time you spend thinking about making a decision. I want you to think about how much time you spend on pros and cons lists instead of making a decision. How much time you spend thinking about something you want to do, how to do it best, how to make sure you don’t make any mistakes, how to do it perfectly. And your overthinking brain loves to keep coming up with more problems, or potential problems.
Anxiety and overthinking are making things take way longer than they need to. Procrastination is the result of overthinking.
This is something I teach my clients before they even hire me. They come to me because they’re an overthinker or whatever. I listen to them. If I know I can help them, I’ll make them an offer. And the first piece of their transformation happens when I tell them “No. No you can’t think about it for a week.” For the most part, we decide right there. Occasionally, I’ll give someone a night to sleep on it.
But it’s because I know they have been putting off their transformation for years. They have been “thinking” about doing it for years. If they decide yes right then, then they have stopped the cycle of thinking about working on their overthinking, and they are doing it.
And six months from the day they say yes, they will be in a totally different place, and I’m not going to allow them, if they want me as their coach, to wait six months and a week. That’s exactly how your anxiety has costed you time. Not on my watch.
By the way, if you’re like, “Umm shit, she’s talking to me.” You’re right I am. Get on my schedule now. There will never be a better time than right now. My six-month program is literally going to teach how to stop overthinking, how to stop letting anxiety cost you any more time, any more connections.
Also, let’s talk about the physical effects, like how anxiety costs you your health. Anxiety isn’t something that happens in a vacuum in your head. Every time you are feeling anxious, or nervous, or worried, or confused, your body is releasing stress hormones. And those stress hormones are quietly, or not so quietly, affecting things like sleep. Helloo 3 am ‘oshits’. That’s what I call the ridiculous shit that your brain presents you at 3 in the morning. It affects your weight. Stress hormones can create headaches, muscle aches and pains, it affects your heart, and your memory.
Your overthinking is costing you your mental wellbeing, your physical wellbeing , and let’s talk about your emotional or soul wellbeing.
Just like you can’t be present and be in your head, it is very difficult to experience joy and be in your head. Brene Brown talks about foreboding joy; where you are looking at your newborn child, overcome with love and joy, totally in that moment with your new baby, and an instant later your brain imagines the worst freaking scenario. One minute you’re in your body experiencing love and joy, the next minute you’re out.
So many over thinkers are afraid to let themselves feel joy, or love, or happiness because their brains are so used to finding what could go wrong as a way of protecting themselves. I call this feeling bad ahead of time and it’s a life suck.
Overthinking is a life suck.
When you learn to stop overthinking, approval seeking, people pleasing, perfectionism, when you learn to quiet the incessant negative chatter, when you learn to manage the anxiety instead of letting it manage you, you will feel liberated.
You will create deeper relationships, you will allow yourself to be yourself, which will attract the people who like you for who you are, not who you’ve manipulated them into thinking you are. You will be connected at such a deeper level which is where all the joy is. The pain is there too. But the joy and the love is what makes life purposeful.
You will get so much time back. I’ve talked before about clients who’ve stopped obsessively thinking about their relationship or their body, and they’re like “I feel like I have all this free time”. The only thing they did was stop overthinking, and they all of a sudden created time.
Your life. You get your life back. Or you get to experience it maybe for the first time. There’s just no good reason, when there is a way to stop these patterns, why you wouldn’t choose it now.
And this is available to you right now.
My group is starting in September. It’s six months of working on this. Getting to know your brain backwards, forwards, inside out. Learning the very simple process to stop overthinking, so that you can manage your anxiety for the rest of your life. You can start right now. Go to my website kristenfinch.com and just book a call with me. Or if you’re like, I’m in I’m in I don’t even need a call, that’s what I call the KFinch way, just email me at email@example.com
Whatever you do, just decide today that you are not willing to let your overthinking, your anxiety cost you any part of your life for one more day.
Love you so much. I got you.
In this foundational episode, you will learn that:
- Calm is a feeling. Calm AF is a way of being
- Calm AF isn’t a new thing to learn because it’s already there, wired into you
- Becoming calm AF is a return to trusting yourself, believing in yourself, and loving yourself deeply
Grab some coffee and give it a listen. You got this. And I got you.