Hello, Gorgeous Soul.

Last week I introduced you to the coaching concept I created called The Team. The team is a motley configuration of thinking habits that steer your mind through just about every situation.

I think of the team as little versions of you in your head that you’ve created throughout your lifetime, beginning as a VERY young child to keep you safe.

There’s the Lizard. This is the primal brain, the part that doesn’t THINK, it just reacts by either fighting or running away or freezing.

There’s the teenager who is DONE listening to reason, who is DONE following orders. She’s judgey and annoyed.

The toddler version of you is tired of being good. As soon as she has the chance, she’s being naughty. She whines and throws tantrums.

And then there’s the BOSS. Let’s start with The Boss because this, in my experience coaching people, is the loudest and most ACTIVE team member of all.

And there’s a good reason.

Humans are inherently social. We desire belonging. And if we don’t belong, if we don’t fit in, we are rejected. We want, more than anything else really, to be loved. To be cared for. To be part of a pack in the form of family. But you learned that your pack had rules. You learned that your parents had rules and these rules were programmed right into your underdeveloped brain. Rules like don’t be too emotional. It’s BAD when you’re too emotional. Your pack doesn’t like that. They punish you or ignore you or tell you you’re being bad.

LISTEN. Even the best parents do this, ok? This is not about shaming our parents or shaming ourselves as parents, it’s about UNDERSTANDING your brain.

You were basically handed a rulebook and you kept adding rules to it as you learned them, from your parents, from your friends, from your teachers, from your classmates, from society.

You learned rules about how to ACT.

You learned rules about how to LOOK.

You learned rules about how to BE.

And the BOSS is the ENFORCER of the rules. The enforcer of the MADE UP RULES that you were handed by other people who were handed the rules from THEIR parents, classmates and experiences.

The boss is constantly scanning the world, looking for ways that you can ENSURE you are within the parameters of the rules. It tells you that your body needs to look like this in order to be approved of by others, in order to avoid getting hurt by other people’s opinions.

The boss tells you that you need to think of EVERY POSSIBLE THING THAT COULD GO WRONG before you make a decision.

The boss has rules for EVERYTHING: how to be a woman, how to be a man, how to be in a romantic relationship, how to be in a marriage, how to be an employee, how to be a friend.

And this boss isn’t one of those nice, encouraging bosses. Your inner boss is a bully. Your inner boss leads like a dictator with an iron fist. It leads through fear, punishment and shame.

The boss is VIGILANT. It spends MOST of the time at FULL attention, scanning for trouble, trying to prevent bad things from happening by ruminating on the past or worrying about the future. And then when you go out and just try to live your damn life, the boss is deciding whether you’re doing it right or not.

The boss is trying to control EVERY LITTLE detail so that you don’t ever miss up you don’t ever say the wrong thing, you don’t ever make a mistake, you don’t ever fail, you don’t ever embarrass yourself, you don’t do anything that would allow other people to judge you. And on and on. Like I said the boss is the loudest and most dominant of all the Team because the boss is in CHARGE of your entire life.

Or so it thinks.

The problem is that the boss is operating with a rulebook that is full of made up shit. Rules that haven’t been questioned, like “What if me being emotional ISN’T a bad thing?” Or “What if my weight has NOTHING to do with my worth?”

The boss isn’t TRYING to be a dick, the boss just thinks it’s keeping you free from feeling bad. Except, ironically, the boss is ALWAYS making you feel bad.

“You screwed up again”

“You’re never gonna get it right”

“No matter what you do, you’re always wrong”

And so on.

SO very mean.

So what do we do about this Boss?

1. Recognize it. When does it show up, what does it sound like, what’s its greatest hits.
2. Name it. I always suggest my clients NAME their boss not to try and be cheesy, but as a reminder that this boss that’s constantly chatting and demanding and yelling is NOT you. Naming the boss helps you separate yourself from your thoughts. Do not overthink this damn exercise. My clients are always like “I don’t know, what should I name it?” It doesn’t matter. Sally. Judy. Bob.
3. Zoom out. You are NOT the boss the boss is not you. The boss is THOUGHTS you are having. YOU zoom out and observe the boss, so terrified to let anything go wrong that it feels like it has no CHOICE to be vigilant. What you want to happen here is that you become the SUPERVISOR of the team. You aren’t the team you are watching them. You are supervising their party.
4. Get curious. What are you afraid is going to happen? Are you SURE you are in control of that? Are you SURE this thought is helpful? Might it be keeping you from ACTUALLY being happy?
5. Start with Compassion. Most people want to get MAD about the boss bossing them around their whole life, but that is just adding FUEL to the fire. Think about ANY boss or leader that you know of that rules like a bully. They do NOT respond well to push back. Your inner boss is no different. Bullies stop bullying when it stops working. So you show some compassion. I know you are just trying to keep me safe but I’m good. I’m safe. And I’ve decided that I’d rather risk feeling bad than not live my life anymore. You do NOT have to be so vigilant. You can rest.
6. Take the power back. The boss is just thoughts. YOU are in charge of whether or not the boss is at the pulpit. YOU are in charge of whether or not the boss is driving the car, leading the meeting, whatever metaphor you like. When you notice the boss is being a bully, take the power back by not believing her. Not just going along with her fears. Not just being a victim to whatever she says.

The boss is NOT the boss of you, unless you let him or her be. YOU, your CALM AF self can handle the boss with EASE.

And remember the boss HAS to take a break at some point. At SOME point the bullying becomes too much and THAT is when the toddler takes over.

And we will talk ALL about your toddler brain next week.

Love you so much. Have a great week.

In this foundational episode, you will learn that:

  1. Calm is a feeling. Calm AF is a way of being
  2. Calm AF isn’t a new thing to learn because it’s already there, wired into you
  3. Becoming calm AF is a return to trusting yourself, believing in yourself, and loving yourself deeply

Grab some coffee and give it a listen. You got this. And I got you.

– Kristen


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And if you want to dig deeper and work with a coach who’s GOT YOU, contact me to set up a free consult. I love working with people who are hard on themselves, the over-thinkers, people pleasers, perfectionists, and overachievers. Any of this ringing your bell? I’d love to hear from you!