“The next step in creating sustainable Calm AF energy – and creating ANYTHING, for that matter – is learning how to feel your feelings, not avoid them. “
Calm AF Life, Part 3: Feelings Are for Feeling
Hello, Gorgeous Soul.
Feeling your feelings is the next pillar of calm AF life, and to learn more about this, we are going to spend time in our bodies. Because that’s where our feelings live – not in our minds, not in our thoughts, but in our physical bodies.
If you want anything to change in your life for good, you’ve GOT to become skilled in the art of feeling your feelings. Lemme say it again: The ONLY way to create a life you want, to change things that don’t represent who you are becoming, to create new patterns that feel aligned with your future self, to manifest the things you want to manifest is to FEEEEEEL your feelings.
Unfortunately 99% of us don’t know how to do this. We’ve all been taught to fix feelings, both our own and those of others. So, let’s talk about it.
AND FIRST. STARTING TODAY: My lifetime program, Calm AF Life, launches in January. Tap here to join the interest list to learn more!
Feelings: Can’t Live With ‘Em, Can’t Do Life Without ‘Em
We are working through the different components of the Calm AF system. Last week we dove into the nervous system, and the nervous system will continue to make cameos over and over gain. You will probably hear me say NSF a thousand times in the next however many weeks of the year because no matter what you’re trying to do, whether we’re talking about changing your mindset, feelings your feelings, manifesting something new, whtever…I will always remind you to check in:
Am I in flight? Fight? Freeze? Fawn?
Where am I on the Calm AF scale which I will share more about the Calm AF scale another day.
TODAY I want to dive into the FEELINGS section of the Calm AF System.
Because the truth is…if you want anything EVER to change EVER in your life to change for good, you’ve GOT to become SKILLED in the art of feeling your feelings.
You might be thinking “Are you kidding? Feel my feelings?? Uhhhh….I AM feeling my feelings. CONSTANTLY. Anxiety, worry, guilt, frustration, resentment, overwhelm. ALL The feelings. All the time”
But I’ve got some news for you.
You aren’t FEEELING those feelings.
You are REACTING to feelings.
BECAUSE what you were TAUGHT was that feelings, especially uncomfortable feelings that don’t feel awesome, are emergencies.
And what happens when your body senses an emergency? OH YEAH, the nervous system pushes it’s way to the front of the line, activates the fight/flight/freeze/fawn and off you go to FIX the feeling.
Through hyper vigilantly overthinking, or people pleasing or energy managing.
Off you go to FIGHT the feeling.
Through blaming, projecting, outbursts.
Off you go to RUN AWAY from the feeling.
Through procrastinating, busy-ing yourself, distracting yourself.
Off you go to AVOID,
Through shutting down, numbing out, dissassociating.
NONE of those is feeling.
The definition of a feeling, as a noun, is a physical sensation experienced in the body.
The definition of feeling, as a very, is allowing that physical sensation to be expressed, felt, allowed, processed so as to release it from the body.
The ONLY way to create a life you want, to change things that don’t represent who you are becoming, to create new patterns that feel aligned, to manifest the things you want to manifest is to FEEEEEEL your feelings.
The things you are doing that are KEEPING you from how you want to feel and who you want to be ARE the habits you are participating in in an attempt to NOT feel your feelings.
If you want to STOP the overthinking, people pleasing, energy managing, shutting down, numbing out, you’ve got to FEEL your feelings.
Everything you do, every action you take or don’t take, every choice you make, every bond you break, every step you take….every behavior habit decision comes from an aligned feeling OR an attempt to AVOID that feeling.
You people please to avoid feeling judgement or rejection.
You say YES when you really want to say no, to avoid feeling guilty.
You don’t set boundaries to avoid feeling conflict.
You quit things before you start to avoid feeling the shame or embarrassment or potential failure.
You don’t let yourself get your hopes up to avoid feeling disappointment later.
You energy manage in an attempt to avoid someone ELSE having feelings that you want to avoid.
Do you see? You cannot CANNOT get through life, at least not in an internally grounded, inner peace way, if you are not capable of FEELING feelings.
If you don’t expand your capacity to allow non preferred feelings, yours and others, if you don’t learn to create SAFETY with your feelings, you will NOT stop the sabotaging patterns that are keeping you from what you want.
Non preferred feelings will NEVER feel good, ok? I will never be like “YESSSSSS I am feeling sooooo guilty right now So fun.”
But if I’m FAMILIAR with the feeling of guilt, if I KNOW that it’s just a sensation in my body, if I know that the majority of the time I feel guilt not because Ive done a terrible thing but simply because I”ve got an old story in my backpack that says GUILT means I’ve done a terrible thing, then I can just feel the icky guilt feeling and follow through on that boundary or say NO instead of saying yes.
Because when you AVOID guilt, you know what? You don’t feel better.
You just feel a different non preferred feeling.
Setting that boundary created the feeling of GUILT and so to avoid guilt I don’t set boundaries so now I feel resentful. Or taken advantage of. Or exhausted.
What would be different if you weren’t afraid to feel GUILT.
What would change in your life if you weren’t trying desperately to avoid people judging you? What dreams would you be realizing if you weren’t afraid to feel disappointment or frustration or embarrassment?
If you weren’t afraid of the FEELING you would feel if you weren’t perfect, if you weren’t the best, if you made a mistake, if you fell on your face…
What would be different?
I will tell you.
EVERY FUCKING THING.
And again, the goal isn’t to try and learn to LOVE feeling guilty or disappointed or embarrassed.
The goal is to know that you can HANDLE it.
Now listen, FEELINGS occur in the body.
That’s why, in the Calm AF system, feelings fall under the PHYSICAL component.
I did that VERY purposefully because it’s a reminder that feelings are not jobs for the brain.
The BODY knows how to handle feelings.
If we’ll just LET it.
The body knows how to process feelings if we stop getting in the way.
Jill Bolte Taylor was a neuroscientist or neuroanatomist or something. And one day she had a stroke. She lost all ability to speak AND the ability to understand speech.
The ONLY thing she had access to was her feelings.
Her brain wasn’t able to interpret those feelings or access all the stories she had in her backpack about negative feelings being BAD or being emergencies.
She just had to sit there and FEEL it.
And what she learned was that feelings really show up in waves. And those waves last about 90 seconds.
So when she was feeling FEAR, which obviously you just had a stroke, you can’t communicate FEAR would be an absolute appropriate feeling the body would create, she noticed that she would just FEEL that in her body like a wave crashing into the shore. Big, powerful, lots of physical sensations.
And she had no choice to surrender to them. It would feel bad for 90 seconds but then it would ease up.
Just like ocean waves, the feeling would crash and recede. Crash and recede.
When she wasn’t able to avoid then feeling, fix the feeling, run away from the feeling, she simply had to FEEL the feeling.
And she learned that they weren’t that scary.
Comfortable? No. Fun? Not even a little.
But very natural.
And her body seemed to know exactly what to do when she surrendered.
Maybe she would cry.
Maybe she would yell.
Maybe she would breathe.
Her body just knew and she learned that without access to any of her trauma stories in her backpack, not only did it feel EASIER to just surrender, it also seemed to weaken the waves over time.
IN order to become Calm AF for good, for real, for LIFE…you MUST MUST MUST learn to feel your feelings.
You must learn to BOUNCE, to be resilient to non-preferred feelings.
You have to know what stories you’re carrying around in your backpack, and question them.
Create NEW stories that will help you become who you want to become and create the life you want to create.
And in order to do ANY of that, guess what? You’ve got to attend to your nervous system first.
These components aren’t separate.
The way you’ve been TRYING to feel better is by THINKING about your feelings, usually from a dysregulated nervous system.
You’ve been trying to FIX your feelings by following the rules in your trauma backapck.
You’ve been trying to simply AVOID your feelings by numbing out, people pleasing, energy managing, shutting down so you never ever make a mistake so no one can ever judge you.
Exhausting when all we NEED to do is feel those damn feelings.
Surrender to the wave.
I teach a concept called The Feelings Room in order to help my clients learn this.
Because unfortunately 99% of us don’t know how to do this. We’ve ALL been taught to fix feelings, both our own and others.
When we’re little, we’re usually told NOT to feel or feelings “Don’t be sad. Don’t be mad at me.” Or that our feelings are wrong “Oh it’s not that bad, you’re not hurt, it could be SO much worse, you’re just too sensitive” Or that they can be fixed by things rather than just being felt “Would ice cream help? Let’s have a drink.”
So you are not alone. Most people, unless they’re actively working on this, are immature in our ability to feel our feelings.
But what I teach my clients in the Feelings Room is LITERALLY how to create SAFETY, how to practice your feelings on purpose so that your nervous system doesn’t FREAK out when a non-preferred feeling shows up.
Instead of running away, pretending like guilt or shame or confusion or fear isn’t there, we literally go hang out with it in it’s room.
The first step ALWAYS is Nervous system first. Right? Always. Let me make sure my nervous system knows that I’m going into this feeling of my own volition, there is no emergency first.
And then, the next step? Youe GO IN. Instead of running, avoiding, fixing, You go INTO the room, just you and the feeling. What does this feel like in my body?
You get to KNOW the feeling in your body. Become familiar with it. Like, ok this isn’t FUN, this wave crashing into me, BUT, I’m also familiar so my nervous system knows it’s ok.
And when the nervous system starts learning that feelings aren’t emergencies, it will ALLOW you to surrender to just FEEL the feeling, process it.
And when you are simply able to surrender to the feeling and allow it instead of running away, do you know what will happen?
Anything you fucking want, Gorgeous Soul.
If you aren’t afraid of guilt, you’ll set the damn boundaries. Will you be uncomfortable? YES but that won’t stop you.
When you don’t need to NUMB out your uncomfortable feelings, you won’t need to binge eat, drink, obsessively busy yourself, overthink, catastrophize, energy manage, people please, shut down.
You will just do the hard thing.
“The purpose of feelings isn’t to torture you or to make you feel good. The purpose of feelings is to teach you, to guide you in your decisions and behaviors. There is no greater guide in your life right now than your own internal GPS system: your feelings.”
I’ve been teasing this thing I’m creating. I spent the last few months letting it really marinate and the last couple weeks actually creating it.
And it’s literally LITERALLY the greatest thing. Yes LITERALLY, all you people who think I’m using literally wrong, I”m not. It’s LITERALLY the greatest thing.
Because it’s the program I would’ve given ANYTNING to have when I wanted to stop feeling overhwlemd and resentful and stuck and confused and like an empty shell.
Omg it would’ve saved me a ton of time and a SHIT load of money.
It’s called Calm AF Life.
It’s everything you need to become calm AF for REAL, like not just for little chunks of time.
FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE.
There’s two parts to this program. A course in which I”m teaching IN GREAT DEPTH the foundational skills. ALL of the components I’m sharing in this series: the nervous system, how to regulate, the Feelings Room, how to actually rewire your thoughts, like in your subconscious, so you aren’t always TRYING to change your thoughts, it’s just how you think.
You’ll learn how to align with and set goals that you follow through on from your Future Self mindset.
So that’s the foundation and then the ICING on top is the accountability aspect of the program.
SO MUCH FREAKING ACCOUNTABILITY.
Daily reminders via the infamous LOVE LETTERS….bite sized nuggets of inspiration, reminding you of who you are becoming and why you aren’t going to give up on that life delivered to your inbox every morning.
Coaching calls where you can be coached by me OR you can submit a question that I will answer if being coached live isn’t your jam.
Thyere will also be checkins throughout the month to help you get back on track if life got busy or your nervous system pulled you back into the old patterns.
You’ll get a monthly journal that you can print where you can be consistent with setting intentions and aligning with your future self, it will have a little calendar that will tell you when all the opportunities to gather will be.
And even more important than all of that, there will be plenty of opportunities to just connect as normal freaking humans because let’s not forget that at the end of the day, you are not a PROJECT. You’re a gorgeous soul simply looking to create a life that isn’t skating by while you’re busy overthinking and people pleasing.
Maybe we’ll pull cards…that is always a crowd favorite, maybe we’ll gather and watch a movie or have coffee on a Sunday morning.
Basically I wanted to figure out how to make my coaching and my programs and my message available and accessible and affordable for WAYYYY more people. And Calm AF Life was born.
Click here to get on the interest list. More details to come!
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And if you want to dig deeper and work with a coach who’s GOT YOU, contact me to set up a free consult or to apply for my exclusive coaching program, Rewired AF. I love working with people who are hard on themselves, the over-thinkers, people pleasers, perfectionists, and overachievers. Any of this ringing your bell? I’d love to hear from you!